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it keeps getting better & better ! ... and it's still only $10 to get in!
... and yes! you still get a $5 refund if you come on stage and tell a joke(s)! [ limit Tell-Two-Per-Customer
8pm every Monday!
every Monday!
(except Labor Day ...
barbecued food must be consumed.)
"The Jackie Martling Show" Broadway Comedy Club
New York, New York
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I tell jokes, you tell jokes ... don't have one? I'll give you one (or a few) ... ... and try to "Stump The Joke Man!" jokes, jokes & more jokes! yes, yes, yes ... fun fun fun.
A Classic!
A couple wakes up one morning and the guy says to his wife, "What a party I went to last night, right here in the neighborhood. Good food, good people, good conversation ... and the best thing of all, they had a golden toilet." She says, "You're crazy. There's no such thing as a golden toilet." He says, "I swear to God. Right here in the neighborhood. Come on, let's go check it out." They go to one of the houses in the neighborhood, knock on the door, and a lady answers. The guy says, "Excuse me, lady, have you got a golden toilet?" She slams the door. They go to the next house, knock on the door, and a lady answers. The guy says, "Excuse me, lady, have you got a golden toilet?"
She slams the door. They go to the next house, knock on the door, and a lady answers.
The guy says, "Excuse me, lady, have you got a golden toilet?"
She turns and yells "Hey, Ernie! Here's the guy who shit in your tuba!"
A girl's standing with a guy at the bar and after a few minutes she says, "You know, if you lost a few pounds, took a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right."
He says, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there, not you."
please follow me on Twitter to get a new joke every day at 4:20 pm EST @JackieMartling
A guy's standing at the bar and he's got two huge lumps on his head.
The bartender says, "I gotta ask, pal ... what the hell happened to you?"
The guy says, "My wife hit me with a chair."
The bartender says, "Why the hell'd she do that?"
The guys says, "Well, I guess I earned it. She brought home a Do-It-Yourself waxing kit this morning and asked me if she should just do the sides or leave a strip down the middle. And I said I'd prefer she have no moustache at all."
The Jackie Martling Show
Broadway Comedy Club
New York, New York
8pm Saturday, Sept. 26th Studio Theatre
Lindenhurst, New York
click on this sentence for tickets!
8pm Saturday, November 21st
Boulton Center
Bay Shore, Long Island, New York
hi ...
"The Jackie Martling Show," wall-to-wall jokes, is a hoot! if you haven't made it yet, you is missing it! everybody gets up and tells jokes! everybody's been getting my damn $5, my damn $10 ... sheesh. 8pm Monday nights at Broadway Comedy Club!
come be a part of whatever it is we're doing! guaranteed sex! yes, guaranteed sex! that is a huge lie! that is a huge lie!
all seriousness aside, you'll love it ...
Jackie
Why's eating a taco better than eating a woman?
With any luck, you won't get pussy hairs caught in your teeth eating a taco.
A guy's standing at a seaside bar and after a while the bartender says, "You know, pal, you're a regular guy, but damn, you got one really small head."
The guy says, "Well, that's because of The Magic Mermaid."
The bartender says, "What're you talking about?"
The guy says, "Yesterday I caught something huge. I pulled it up and it was an eight-foot mermaid, all tangled up in some other fisherman's net. I cut her loose and she said, 'Wow, you saved my life. The sharks would've gotten me for sure, they love mermaid meat.'
"I said I was of course glad to be of help.
"And then she said, 'Well, I'm Melinda The Magic Mermaid, so I'm going to give you three wishes. Whatever you want.'
"I wished for a bigger boat and poof! I had a bigger boat. I asked for new fishing gear and poof! I had brand new fishing gear. Then I told her she was so damn sexy and that I'd love to get it on with her ...
"She looked down, smiled and said, 'I'd love to, but I'm a mermaid ... I have no pussy.'
"And then idiot me said, 'Oh yeah. Well, can you give me a little head?'"
What kind of monster can you put in the washing machine? A wash & werewolf.
What's a ghost use when he goes hunting? A boo and arrow.
END of KIDS' SECTION
It's the NHL off-season, Crosby's in New York for the first time and he goes to the beach with a pail. He goes up to the lifeguard and says, "I want to take home a souvenir. How much for a pail of water?" The lifeguard thinks to himself, "Oh, brother," and he says, "Two bucks. Help yourself." Crosby says, "Thanks," fills up his pail, hands the lifeguard two bucks, and he takes off. Crosby comes back a couple of hours later and it's low tide. He says to the lifeguard, "Boy, you did one hell of a business today, didn't you?"
How'd Helen Keller break her fingers? Trying to read a stop sign at fifty-five miles an hour.
Why couldn't the lifeguard save the drowning hippie? The hippie was too far out.
What's the difference between when a girl ties you up and tickles you with a feather and a vagina that hasn't been tended to? When a girl ties you up and tickles you with a feather, it's a kinky stunt.
What's a woman with a yeast infection piss? Cheese whiz.
What would the behind-home-plate umpire call a drunk passed out in the snow? High & outside.
What would the behind-home-plate umpire call a depressed guy fucking a whore? Low & inside.
What would the behind-home-plate umpire call a homeless dwarf? Low & outside.
What would the behind-home-plate umpire call a Tampon made of hemp? High & inside.
thanks for enjoying the jokes ... ... if you didn't enjoy the jokes, go play leapfrog with a Unicorn ...
please follow me on Twitter! get a new (?) joke every day at 4:20 pm EST ... glackieMartling
for information on Jackie's shows, you can always just "Use Your Finger!" thirty-six years of free jokes! and dial not a pay service, just a local call ...
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yep, it's The JokeLand E-Mail List<=FONT>!=free yuks! please tell everybody you know! free jokes! free jokes!=... by just e-mailing me, jokeland@aol.com
What were the eight Mexicans doing in the Volkswagon? Going to pick up th=ir dates.
McCreedy go=s to visit his friend at work, and he says, "That new secretary of yours is hot= She's beautiful." His=20 friend says, "Yeah, and she's a robot. If you squeeze her left boob, she=takes dictation. If you squeeze her right boob, she dials the boss. And you can=fuck her. Go ahead, take her into the closet."
McCreedy takes her=into the closet, and in a few minutes, his friend hears, "Ahhhhh!" His friend=yells, "Oh, I forgot to tell you ... her asshole's a pencil sharpener.".
What has four legs &a=p; a head & a tail & a shell & stinks? A turdle.
hot off the press!he=e's links to three Jo=eLand Toons, ... courtesy of the amazing animator Rich Drezen https://www.youtube.com/user/Bellboy285 ! The Cat On The Couch chttps://youtu.be/WYlvZfF9YSM> <=ONT lang=0 style="BACKGROUND-COLOR: #ffff80" color=#ff0000 size=4 face="Comic Sans MS" FAMILY="SCRIPT" PTSIZE="14" BACK="#ffff80">The Perfect Couple https://youtu.be/gObNIJOIy6M The Three Bears https://youtu.be/3TbMdnBVKAY
Old Maw's=never been sick a day in her life, and all of a sudden a bad case stomach flu la=ds her in the hospital. By the time the interns get her into bed, she's compl=ined about everything ... the temperature, her gown, the food and her mattress.
Then she spo=s a small plastic cylinder with a button that's attached to a cord and she say=, "What's that?"
One of the in=erns says, "If you need anything in the middle of the night, just press that button."
She says, "Wh=t's it do, ring a bell?"
He says= "No, it turns on a light in the hall for the nurse on duty."
Maw says, "A light in=the hall? Jesus Christ, I'm the sick one around here. If the nurse need= a light on in the hall, she can get up and switch it on her damn self."
<=R>
How can you tell the Polish girl on the naked beach?She's the one with the tampon string dangling out of her asshole.
The World's Best Gifts!
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they keep on giving!
all six of Jackie's Oglio</=>>
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hard copies or downloads!
The Joke Man</=>, Sgt.Pecker, Hot Dogs & Donuts<=FONT>,
Come Again?, F. jackie & snart ...
are available=on Amazon, http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_noss_2/177-8057800-1132914?url=3Dsearch-alias%3Dpopular&field-keywords=jackie+martling iTu=es https://itunes.apple.com/us/artist/jackie-martling/id22611176 (snart is on sale!),
and at Oglio.c=m
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What's worse than finding=a hole in your condom? Finding a condom in your hole.
please follow me=20 al get a new (?) joke every day at 4:20 pm EST ..<=FONT> @JackieMartling
+++ Public Service Inform=tion +++
how to get rid of the crabs:
Sh=ve one side of your pubic hair, set the other side on fire, and when the littl= bastards come running across the bare patch, stab! them with an ice=pick ... or ...</=> Put toothpicks in your underwear and they'll pole vault into the toilet bowl=20 ... or ...</=> Pull your pants down, squat over a mirror, and they'll jump from one asshole=to another ... or ... Find a cocksucker=who likes seafood.
How do you know your=dog likes you more than your wife? Lock them both in your trunk for a few hours,
then open it up and see who's glad to see you...
Why do Sumo wrestlers shave their legs? So=20 nobody'll mistake them for lesbians.
Minervini's dr=ving along doing fifty-five when his wife says, "I want a divorce." Minervini takes th= car up to seventy. She says, "Il=e been fucking your best friend, and he's got a much bigger cock than you." Minervini takes the ca= up to eighty. She says, "My law=er told me I get the house and the kids." Minervini steps on it=and gets the car up to ninety. &=bsp; She says, "I'm taking the car, the checking account, and all the credit cards." As Minervini starts=to steer towards a bridge piling, she says, "Is there anything you want?" He says, "Nope. I've=got everything I need." She asks= "What's left?" He says, "The=20 fucking air bag."
What's a hump?
= hump's a noun, meaning the thing on a camel's back ... unless the thing is anoth=r camel, in which case it becomes a verb.
What's that?"
=She shows him ... and shows him ... and shows him ... and then she shows him=one last time. When they're fina=ly done, she says, "Well, how do you like fucking?" The guy says, "I=guess it's all right. But look what you did to my clam digger."
Why do married men ga=n weight while bachelors don't? Bachelors go to the refrigerator, see nothing=they want, then go to bed. Married guys go to the bed, see nothing they want= then go to the refrigerator.
Dirty Johnny's=father says, "Let me see your report card."