see Jackie in Bellmore, LI!
She runs up to the conductor and says, "That man over there insulted me. He's so mean. I'm so upset."
The conductor says, "Calm down, ma'am, calm down. Next stop we'll jump off and get you a nice hot cup of coffee. Hey, maybe we'll even find a banana for your monkey."
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Mrs. Fecalberger says, "Doctor, I don't know what to do. More and more often my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason, and it's scaring me."
The doctor says, "I'm sure I can fix that. Whenever it seems your husband is getting angry, take a big sip of water and swish it around in your mouth. Swish it around and around and don't swallow it until he leaves the room or goes to bed and falls asleep."
Two weeks later Mrs. Fecalberger walks back into the doctor's office looking fresh as a daisy.
She says, "Doctor, you're magnificent. Every time my husband starts getting upset, I take a big gulp of water and swish it around in my mouth, swish and swish, and he calms right down. It's fantastic. But you've got to tell me, how does a gulp of water do that?"
The doctor says, "It's not the water, Mrs. Fecalberger. It's you keeping your stupid mouth shut that does the trick."
for information on Jackie's shows, you can always just "Use Your Finger!" thirty-seven years of free jokes!
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Elmer's bored, so he takes off from the farm and heads for town on a rainy day. He runs into a hooker on the street and they go into an alley.
She takes it out, takes a look and says, "It's too big."
He says, "Well, hell, that's no reason to drop it in the mud."
I hope you enjoyed this month's jokes ...
if you didn't,
why don't you go dust your Mom for my fingerprints ...
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A lady stumbles into a bar.
She says, "B-beertender, g-give me a dribble martuni and p-put a pickle in it."
He gives it to her and she drinks it down.
She says, "B-beertender, g-give me another dribble martuni and p-put a pickle in it."
He gives it to her and she drinks it down.
She says, "B-beertender, give me another dribble martuni, and y-you better put two pickles in it, becau ... because I've got heartburn."
The bartender says, "look, lady ... it's not beertender, it's bartender. It's not a martuni, it's a martini. It's not a dribble, it's a double. That's not a pickle, it's an onion. And you haven't got heartburn, you've got your left boob in the ashtray."
What should you call a woman with a huge bush? A cab.
A guy walks into a store and says to the salesgirl, "I want to buy some toilet paper." She says, "What color?" He says, "Give me white. I'll color it myself."
7pm Saturday, June 4th
The Brokerage Comedy Club
2792 Merrick Road
Bellmore, Long Island NY
all show info on
jokeland.com
A woman calls Dirty Johnny's mother and says, "I caught your son playing doctors and nurses with my eight-year-old daughter."
Johnny's mother says, "Well, of course they're curious about sex at that age." The girl's mother says, "Curious about sex? He took her friggin' appendix out."
Lange calls Goodstien and says, "Hey, man, I need to borrow your computer. I want to masturbate but my computer's down."
Goodstien says, "Jeeez, Lange, your girlfriend lives five minutes away. If you're that desperate, why not just go to her house?"
Lange says, "She hasn't got Internet."
hello! Spring, ahhh! hope you're enjoying the monthly jokes ... please tell your friends and enemies about this list ...
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when's the last time you "Used Your Finger" and diale' still going, 37 years later ...
Jackie
Why's life a bitch?
Because if it was a slut, it'd be easy.
A high school couple's in the movies. The girl says, "Jimmy, I think I swallowed your gum." He says, "Nah, I was just clearing my throat."
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Blatchely's in a bar.
He taps the guy next to him on the shoulder and says, "You know what you do if an epileptic's having a fit in the bathtub? You throw in your wash."
The guy says, "Listen, pal, I don't think that's funny. My brother was epileptic and he died in the bathtub during a fit."
Blatchely says, "Wow, I'm sorry. Did he drown?" The guy says, "No, he choked on a sock."
A midget goes into a whorehouse, goes upstairs with a girl, takes off his pants ... and he's got a two-foot penis. The girl says, "Like hell, you're not putting that thing in me. I'll kiss it." The midget says, "No deal. I can do that myself."
Rochester!
three big shows!
Fri-Sat, May 20-21st
The Comedy Club
2235 Empire Blvd.
Webster. New York
ecome yc u .us
7pm Saturday, June 4th
The Brokerage Comedy Club
2792 Merrick Road
Bellmore, Lon Island NY
brokerage.govs.com
8pm Wednesday, June 8th
The Parx Casino
2999 Street Road
Bensalem, Pennylvania
My pal Uncle Larry Reeb, a comic from Chicago, claims once he was on a plane when a lady across from him started breast-feeding.
The stewardess said to him, "What can I get you?" And Larry said, "I'll have what the kid's having."