(no subject)

Jeffrey,

I was under shock. That moment you told me you would never speak to me again I felt like if I had the whole world falling on me and felt totally abandoned all of a sudden. This horrible feeling was caused because you represent for me a stable rock in my chaotic life. I'm not talking only about the financial part which obviously helped me a lot but more important you turned into a Father, a love, a mentor, a friend... Everything. I've isolated myself from all the people that surrounded me to follow your directions because spending time with you is what gives me the most happiness. At that moment what else should I have done? I reacted impulsively because in that instant everything turned black. I know it must be difficult to deal with a 21-year-old's feelings and I understand you can lose your patience. I wish I would have had your wisdom so that I could keep up with you. But I can't. I also thought your promise on the dock was just to shut me up which made me even more sad... and that was even more painful.

I know that I've let you down so many times, but never so much as I let myself down. However, experiencing failure is the only way for me to learn and understand how to do things right. My moods are very unstable and when I'm down I feel paralyzed, closing myself in loneliness... I wish I could change. Maybe speaking with a psychologist would be helpful.

The reason I want to go to school is that my mother never got a diploma and this is one of her biggest regrets. She couldn't find a job later on also because of this... Unlike you, she had no particular talent to make it without one and until now I haven't discovered any in myself either. For this reason getting a degree would give me additional security.

I'm starting to get to know myself a little more now and I know that for me it takes longer to assimilate and make things work but at the end I do make it... It is a question of time and getting all the parts together.

Jeffrey, I am extremely grateful for your help. I've realized that I've put my life in your hands... and I know or at least I hope that one day you will be proud of me.

Ps: I'm trying to get my grades to send them to you but I don't know why they don't show up. I know they are very bad and that this will be an additional big deception... Now I know and will do everything I can to make it right next time. I won't let you down.