can't sleep

Jeffrey,

I am sorry about my silence on the phone. It is impossible for me to talk about this on the phone when my heart is racing and I am upset.

My comment 'Out ofsight out ofmind' doesn't mean I don't think about you, it means we drift apart when we don't see each other. I didn't get a break, I don't like anything about spending two weeks away, I love you, I have been thinking about you nonstop and I miss you. Rut that is obviously not your experience so we have a problem...

If you mean what you said and you feel no difference in your life when I am not there and you don't miss spending time with me, I think it's best I take your suggestion and leave. You keep telling me to take long trips and stay away because you have a nicer time. I hate to make you unhappy. It is the most horrible thing anybody has ever told me and I keep hearing it from you. When I return, we usually go back to the same old boring conversations about what errands I should run and what I did wrong. Yet you insisted that time apart somehow is a solution and asked me to leave again. It rarely is when things are not going well and I tried to tell you: now it's too late. We are at a place where things are so bad I don't know where to start fixing them. I suggested to `erase' everything and start from 0 but that annoyed you too. You actually say you believedeserves to be treated better by you than I do and so you act accordingly. That leaves me sµ«hless.

I have dropped everything to be with you, I live life under your direction, your decisions, taking care of your everyday needs and errands, being loyal, faithful to you and protective ofyou and I now realize you really couldn't care less. Whether you believe it or not I have tried very hard to please you but it's never good enough. I tried to contribute in a number of different areas over the past 6 years but at a first sign of imperfection you get annoyed and tell me to forget it. I don't have anything new to suggest. The last deal you wanted to make just days before I came back from NYC was about cooking but you changed your mind as soon as I came back because you say you don't want to have a fight if I don't do it well. 2 days later you sent me here. I can't imagine what you expected me to do after that or what you expect me to do now.

I honestly don't think you love me anymore and that actually explains your behavior and irritability. It makes me sad but I am emotionally exhausted and I can't continue to fight you every month when you send me one of those mails or call to say you want me to leave and maybe we should not be together. I never want to hear that from you again. I have reached my limit. I refuse to worry about my life being yanked from underneath me by a person closest to me on regular basis. I would ask you to make your decision and stop going back and forth but it seems clear you already have. You have been cold and distant and I am unable to change it. If you don't want to be with me anymore you should think about how you want to make the transition.

I love you and I hope you get what makes you happy.