(no subject)

We didn't finish our conversation yesterday.

I was thinking overnight about you. What I have noticed over the years is that you tend to gravitate to broken things. You take great pleasure in fixing and being sympathetic - you can't help it because you really are a huge softie. Without kids or family of your own (Mark, WHO I DID NOT SLEEP WITH, does not count) you really have invested a lot of your own legacy into others. I see some of you in me too.

The main issue becomes really that you are surrounded by people who want (or usually) need something from you.

Most of the people you collect are pretty good about providing you with something in exchange - whether it is knowledge or entertainment it is whatever you needed at the moment.

It does build expectation so that these same people hang on forever and hope to continue to be beneficiaries. Lots of raemoras (http://en.wikinedia.orWwikURemora). Some with enough density to have a few orbiters of their own. All with the need to be validated by you.

My guess is that after all these years are probably starting to feel like the emotional output is greater than the input.

You do a good job of balancing that with physical release but I am fairly certain that you miss/lack intimacy in a deep way. You may never find it. You are likely afraid of it and probably don't know what it is. You hate loss - and being intimate (with one or more people) puts you at risk of loss or pain or vulnerability in a way that you just don't feel comfortable.

Also. I don't think you really want to be intimate with anyone that you don't consider an equal. I worry a little that your meter stick (haha, not THAT meter stick) has set an impossible bar. No one will be your equal if you measure stuff to stuff.

So I can see where you are at - and after 20 years (CRAP!) of knowing you I think we have enough friendship in the bank that I can honestly tell you that in your solar system, there are only moons, asteroids, and satellites but no true planets. Maybe you have a few rings that stick around for so long they become part of your space. While I'm sure it is comforting to always have dependencies, I'm not sure life is fun without experiencing other planets if you know what I mean. Even smaller ones.

OK I'm done and I don't want to talk about this anymore.
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