baseball time
baseball time ...
At the very first Old Timer's Game, where former baseball stars get together to play a few innings and then be celebrated, the legendary Detroit Tiger Ty Cobb stepped up to the batter's box and said to Bill Dickey, the old New York Yankee who was catching, "Bill, I haven't held a bat in years. Maybe you better stay back a ways in case it gets away from me."
Bill Dickey backed up about ten feet, and Ty Cobb bunted. He laughed all the way as he got to first base in plenty of time.
Billy Martin and Mickey Mantle drive upstate to go hunting. They pull up to a farm and they see a big "No Hunting" sign.
Mickey says, "Hey, we're Yankees. I'm gonna drive up to the farmhouse and ask the farmer if we can hunt on his land."
Mickey drives up to the house, gets out, goes over, knocks, the farmer opens the door, and Mickey steps in.
Mickey says, "You think it'd be okay if Billy and me did some hunting on your property?"
The farmer says, "Well, hell, yes, Mickey. I'm a big Yankee fan. But I need you to do me a favor. My old mule Sal is on her last legs and needs to be put down and I just don't have it in me to do it. You think you could put her out of her misery for me?"
Mickey says, "Sure thing."
When Mickey jumps back in the truck, he says, "That old sodbuster said ain't no ballplayers or ballbusters or nobody hunting on his farm. What an asshole. Hey, you see that old mule over there?"
Mickey puts his shotgun out the window, aims, and "Blam!" shoots the mule dead. He keeps his head turned so Billy won't see him laughing.
All of a sudden he hears, "Blam! Blam!"
Billy says, "I got two of his cows. Let's get the fuck out of here."
Harry's selling his talking dog, a guy comes to buy it, and he says, "How much?"
Harry says, "Five thousand dollars."
The guy says, "For five thousand dollars, I want a demonstration."
Harry says, "No problem. Spike, what's on top of a house?"
The dog goes, "Roof."
The guy says, "Wait a minute ..."
Harry says, "Wait, we're not done. Spike, what's a dog say when he sits on sandpaper?"
The dog goes, "Ruff."
The guy says, "This is ridiculous."
Harry says, "Wait, we're not done. Spike, who was the greatest Yankee ballplayer of all time?"
The dog goes, "Ruth."
The guy says, "This is a pile of crap. See you later," and he storms out.
The dog says to Harry, "So who was it? Fuckin' DiMaggio?"
What's the difference between baseball and politics?
In baseball, if you're caught stealing, you're out.
Three guys are talking about their families.
The first guy says, "I have nine sons. My own baseball team."
The second guy says, "I have eleven sons. My own football team."
The third guy says, "I have eighteen daughters."
How fat was she?
I took her to Yankee Stadium, and the game was called on account of one of her farts.
It's graduation day at all-black Bedford Stuyvesant High School, and all of the kids are graduating and getting diplomas except for Rodney. He's a star basketball player who has a full scholarship to any school in the country, and the star of the football and baseball teams. He's the hero of all the students but since he couldn't pass enough classes, he isn't going to graduate.
As the diplomas are being handed out, Rodney shows up in the back of the auditorium.
The students all see him, and they all start chanting, "Give Rodney a chance! Give Rodney a chance!"
So the principal says, "All right, Rodney, I'm gonna ask you a question. If you can answer this question, you can get a diploma, and you can graduate. What is four plus two?"
Rodney says, "Eight."
The principal says, "I'm sorry, Rodney, that's the wrong answer. You can't get a diploma, and you can't graduate."
The students all chant, "Give Rodney another chance! Give Rodney another chance!"
The principal says, "All right, Rodney, I'm gonna ask you another question. If you can answer this question, you can get a diploma, and you can graduate. What is five minus one?"
Rodney says, "Seven."
The principal says, "I'm sorry, Rodney, that's the wrong answer. You can't get a diploma, and you can't graduate."
The students all chant, "Give Rodney another chance! Give Rodney another chance!"
The principal says, "All right, Rodney, I'm gonna give you one more chance. If you can answer this question, you can get a diploma, and you can graduate. What is three times three?"
Rodney says, "Nine."
The students pause...and then they start chanting, "Give Rodney another chance! Give Rodney another chance!"
Two Arab families arrive in the United States, and the two fathers make a bet...who'll become more American in the first year.
After a year, they meet on the street, and the first Arab says, "My son's playing baseball, I had McDonald's for breakfast, and I'm on my way to pick up a case of Bud."
The second Arab says, "Fuck you, towel head."
Where does a gorilla sit at Yankee Stadium?
Anywhere he wants.
A guy goes into a men's room, goes into stall, sits down, and starts taking a shit.
A guy in the next stall says, "How're you doing?"
The guy says, "Er ... fine."
The other guy says, "What a great day, huh?"
He says, "Yeah."
The other guy says, "Damn, I hope the Yankees win today. I've got a lot of money on the game."
He says, "I don't bet."
The other guy says, "Listen, Burf, I'll call you back later. Some asshole in the next stall keep answering my questions."
What's a Yankee?
The string on a Tampon.
What's a cotton picker?
A girl who can't find her Yankee.
A guy walks into a bar and there's a gorilla sitting in the corner.
He says to the bartender, "What's with the gorilla?"
The bartender says, "I'll show you."
He takes a baseball bat from behind the bar, walks around, and smashes
When the gorilla gets done, the bartender says, "What do you think?"
The guy says, "That's great."
The bartender says, "You want to try?"
The guy says, "Okay. But don't hit me so hard."
Sabean wakes up one morning and there's a bear on his roof, so he looks in The Yellow Pages, and sure enough, there's an ad for "Bubba The Bear Remover." He calls the number, and Bubba says he'll be right over. In a little while, Bubba pulls up in a little van, opens the back, and unloads a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun, and a flea-bitten old pit bull.
Sabean says, "What are you going to do?"
Bubba says, "I'm gonna climb up there and knock the bear off the roof with this here baseball bat. After the bear falls off, this here pit bull, Booie, he's gonna grab the bear's testicles in his teeth, and ain't nothing make Booie let go. At that point, the bear'll be manageable enough for me to get him into the cage I got in the back of the van."
Then Bubba hands the shotgun to Sabean.
Sabean says, "What's the shotgun for?"
Bubba says, "If the bear knocks me off the roof instead, shoot fucking Booie."
A lady goes into a sporting goods store, and she says to the salesman, "I need a present for my son's birthday."
The salesman says, "How about this skateboard?"
She says, "How much?"
He says, "Thirty-nine ninety-five."
She says, "Too much."
He says, "How about this baseball bat?"
She says, "How much?"
He says, "Eight ninety-five."
She says, "All right, I'll take it."
He says, "You wanna ball for the bat?"
She says, "No, but I'll blow you for the skateboard."
Yogi-isms told to my pal who worked with Yogi that no one has heard:
"I enjoyed Cher in Moonstruck. I think she got the Golden Glove for that."
"In the late innings of Don Larson's perfect game, Yankee Stadium was quiet as a pin."
"Hank Bauer played fourteen seasons. I don't know how he did it, he smoked like a fish."
these are of course some of the classics ...
Yogi, what time is it? "Right now?"
"Nobody goes there, it's too crowded."
"Predictions are hard, especially the ones about the future."
"Baseball is 50% half-mental."
Three gay guys are talking about what they live for.
The first gay guy says, "I want love. I want a man to take care of me, to hold me when I'm down, and enjoy life with me when it's great. That's what I live for, enjoying life."
The second gay guy says, "I want a man with a huge cock. A long, thick cock. That's what I live for, a partner with a huge dick."
The third guy says, "I want to be a professional baseball player, a pitcher. And I want to be pitching in the bottom half of the ninth inning of The World Series, with the score tied and the bases loaded..."
The first gay guy says, "Homos don't know from baseball."
The second gay guy says, "Shut up, you're wrecking the joke."
The third gay guy keeps going, and says, "...the whole crowd will be on their feet, screaming like maniacs. I'll bend over and put the ball on the ground by my feet, stand back up, and then fold my arms across my chest. After a few seconds, they'll all yell, 'Pitch it, you cocksucker.' And that's what I live for, recognition."
A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry reveals that the kind of male face a woman that a woman finds attractive differs depending on the stage of her menstrual cycle.
If a woman is ovulating, she's attracted to men with rugged and masculine features.
However, if she's pre-menstrual, or menstruating, or menopausal, she's more prone to be attracted to a man with scissors lodged in his temple and a bat jammed far up his ass who's on fire.
What's a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but you do it alone.
A Cubs fan, a Met fan, a Red Sox fan, and a Yankee fan are climbing a mountain and arguing about who loves his team more.
The Cubs fan says, "I'm the most loyal. This is for the Cubs," and he jumps off the side of the mountain.
Not to be outdone, the Met fan says, "I'm just as loyal. This is for the Mets," and he jumps off the side of the mountain, too.
The Yankee fan says, "This is for everybody," and pushes the Red Sox fan off the mountain.
The new governor of New York was at the Yankee game yesterday, so I wrote a poem...
He took his wife to a baseball game,
And sat her in the front,
Along came a bumblebee, and stung her in the Country boy, country boy sitting on a rail, Along came a bumblebee and stung him on his Cocktail, ginger ale, five cents a glass, If you don't like it, you can shove it up your Ask me no questions, I'll tell you no lies, I got hit with a bucket of shit, Right between the eyes.