calling names, controlling what the other person does, etc, then it's often useful for it to be communicated -- and also time-bounded. For example: "You can only call me pathetic during this sexual encounter. Otherwise, please don't.”
There are BDSM couples that get rid of time boundaries, and have ongoing BDSM relationship situations; there are also BDSM couples that don't use safewords. I think those relationships require a lot of understanding and care from all parties involved. I've never gone without safewords, but sometimes I go without time-bounding, and when I do, I make very sure that I can trust my partner and communicate well with him. (Thomas MacAulay Millar calls safeword-free BDSM "the advanced class.")
The same group that made the Power & Control Wheel has another useful wheel -- the. Equality Wheel. Here's the text of the wheel:
ECONOMIC PARTNERSHIP:
* Making money decisions together.
* Making sure both partners benefit from financial arrangements. NEGOTIATION AND FAIRNESS:
* Seeking mutually satisfying resolutions to conflict.
* Accepting changes.
* Being willing to compromise.
NON-THREATENING BEHAVIOR:
* Talking and acting so that she feels safe and comfortable expressing herself and doing things.
RESPECT:
* Listening to her non-judgmentally.
* Being emotionally affirming and understanding. * Valuing her opinions.
SHARED RESPONSIBILITY:
* Mutually agreeing on a fair distribution of work. * Making family decisions together. RESPONSIBLE PARENTING:
* Sharing parental responsibilities.
* Being a positive, nonviolent role model for the children. HONESTY AND ACCOUNTABILITY:
* Accepting responsibility for self.
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