MINIMIZING, DENYING AND BLAMING:
* Making light of the abuse and not taking her concerns about it seriously. * Saying the abuse didn't happen.
* Shifting responsibility for abusive behavior.
* Saying she caused it.
(The original wheel uses gendered language, but I'd like to note that although abuse is most often perpetrated by men against women, abuse can happen in any kind of relationship and to people of any gender.)
In the brilliant documentary Graphic Sexual Horror, which profiles a now-defunct BDSM porn site, there's footage of a scene with a porn model named $4. The dominant partner slaps S4 across the face, and S4 reacts angrily. She says something like, "We didn't talk about that in advance!" The dominant doesn't apologize; he doesn't take her seriously, and he doesn't talk to her carefully or work to calm her down. Instead, the dominant partner snaps: "We can't talk about everything in advance,” and aggressively demands to know whether she's ready to continue. This is an example of minimizing, denying, and blaming.
I have some sympathy for his awkward position -- I've made small mistakes as a dominant partner, too, and he's correct that it's impossible to talk about everything in advance. But the way to deal with those mistakes is by apologizing sincerely and making sure the mistake never happens again. For example, one of my exes really hated being bitten on the lips, and at one point I bit him on the lower lip. And he called me out, and I said, "I'm sorry,” and I put my arms around him to offer comfort; I said, "I won't do it again,” and I didn't.
My experience of BDSM relationships is that it's best for there to be both communication ahead of time -- and lots of discussion and processing afterwards. Both partners get to set “hard limits": things they absolutely don't want to do. If one partner has concerns, those concerns get airtime. Both partners acknowledge a role in the proceedings, and blame isn't spread around; even if something goes wrong, the discussion focuses on how to prevent that from happening again rather than making accusations.
And if BDSM is happening, it must be possible to acknowledge it, even if it's subtle. For example, I ran into a partner on the street the other day; he gave me a hug and held me in place for a while, even though I tried to move away. This, my friends, is subtle BDSM. Which was fine with me! But it was only okay because I knew I could call him out on it later and be sure it was acknowledged!
And I did mention it later, and he did acknowledge it, and we both laughed and said it was hot. And if I had told him not to do it, that would have been okay too. And the fact that I knew I could talk about it, that I knew I could tell him not to do it and he'd listen... meant that I also could have declined to mention it, and I would have felt fine.
Something else worth acknowledging here is time boundaries. If a person is indeed
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