This post can be found on the Internet at:
http://clarissethorn.com/blog/2011/09/30/storytime-chemistry/
S&M: [theory] Start From A Position of Strength
I wrote this post in 2011, and I wrote it carefully because I was worried that it might be interpreted as putting too much responsibility for BDSM on the submissive partner's shoulders. To be clear, I believe that both partners have responsibilities in a BDSM situation, but I also believe that the dominant partner especially must be careful and responsive. I hope that this is a theme in all my work. I really don't ever want to encourage people to blame the victim. However, I think it's undeniable that submissive partners need a sense of themselves, as well as internal strength and resources, to do BDSM -- especially very intense BDSM. The goal of this post was to start figuring out what that means.
TK OK ok
A while back, I attended a workshop run by educator Sarah Sloane on the topic of BDSM and abuse. Sarah centered her workshop on a maxim that I have hereby stolen: "Start from a position of strength, and seek strength in the end."
I've been thinking about this a lot in terms of not just polyamory and BDSM, but sex in general. All types of sexuality are more pleasurable for some people, and less pleasurable for others; emotionally easier for some people, and more difficult for others. I have zero interest in telling other people how they "should" or "shouldn't" deal with their sexuality, as long as what they're doing is consensual. I want to say right now that nothing I'm about to write is intended to tell others how they "should" or "shouldn't" do S&M; it's just my own thoughts on how I might choose and process my experiences.
I can certainly consent to whatever, even if that thing is problematic or scary or difficult or complicated -- I can consent. The thing is, if I want to get something amazing and positive out of my experiences, I think it's good to start from a position of strength.
In some ways this is clear. For example, I think that being with a partner who genuinely wants me to have a good experience, who really cares about me, and who wants to see me again -- that's almost always a position of strength. Even if I have fairly intense, dark S&M encounters with that person, I can feel confident that he'll treat me with respect; that he'll give me space and lend me strength for emotional processing afterwards.
Also, knowing what I want is a position of strength; understanding how I feel is a position of strength. Being able to recognize my emotional difficulties, hiccups, triggers and landmines is a position of strength. Knowing for sure that I can call my safeword, if necessary, is a position of strength. On a physical level, I prefer to do S&M when my
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