te OK ok
POLYAMORY: [theory] In Praise of Monogamy
This post was published in mid-2011, and it got more attention than most things I've written. The reaction was quite mixed. Some monogamists felt that I was damning monogamy with faint praise. Some polyamorists felt that it was problematic for me to write a post praising the culturally dominant Western mode of sexuality, because it's already dominant. On the other hand, the piece was cross-posted at a number of high- profile websites, and I got a lot of positive commentary too.
My favorite comments came from Pepper Mint, a polyamory advocate who commented on this post when it was cross-posted at Feministe. J really felt like Pepper got what I was trying to do. Here's an excerpt from one of his comments:
"Monogamy is [perceived as] a hegemonic requirement, not an option that should be advocated. So when people espouse monogamy (which is rare, since it is hegemonic), they do it by claiming that anything else is impossible or they do it by making moral statements. I challenge you to find a mainstream article that actually lists out the pragmatic benefits of monogamy, like Clarisse has done here. I don't think I've ever seen one. Indeed, when monogamy is explicitly discussed in the mainstream currently, it often seems to be in ‘is monogamy realistic ?' articles.
"Note that this is all to the detriment of monogamous people as well as nonmonogamous people. When I talk to people about polyamory, I get a lot of defensive responses, for the simple reason that monogamous people are often monogamous because they did not know there was a choice, rather than monogamous by inclination or what have you. Discourse that presents monogamy as an actual choice and lists out the pros and cons of that choice is nonmonogamy-affirming in my book, unless it is hugely one-sided.
"We have a problem in the poly communities I engage in, where people new to polyamory spend a couple years unfairly trashing monogamy. This is partly out of anger from their history and partly because they've finally found what they are looking for and everything else looks shabby in comparison. But it creates ill-will where none need exist, it screws up people's approach to relationships, and it bites people later if they want to go back to monogamy.
"So as a polyamory activist I'm very glad this essay was written, and I've posted similar things myself in various forums. It addresses a hole in the discourse that is very important to fill.”
Thanks, Pepper. TK OK ok In Praise of Monogamy There are lots of different ways of approaching non-monogamous relationships, such as:
+ Polyamory: Usually emphasizes developing full-on romantic relationships with more
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