One example of a bad, weird dynamic is the "one true way" thing. Some people act like there are "right" ways and "wrong" ways to do consensual BDSM -- as if some consensual BDSM is more legit than other consensual BDSM. Often, people do this via what we call "role policing”: they make claims about "real submission” and "real dominance." (Even worse, people will sometimes act like dominant people are socially "better" or "more important” than submissive people. Or they'll act like men are "inherently" dominant, or women are "inherently" submissive. It's a clusterfuck! Thomas MacAulay Millar has a great essay about this called "Domism.")
Examples of role policing might include:
* "If you were really submissive, then you would be serving my dinner right now instead of having me serve myself."
* "If you were really dominant, then you would pay for my drinks.”
* "If you were really submissive, then you wouldn't be confident enough to write a blog about your sex life." (Not that I'm biased or anything.)
Sometimes these are hilarious light-hearted jokes. But sometimes they're not. Sometimes they're bullshit, and they make people feel as though they're "bad at submission" or "bad at dominance.” Also, it gets really silly when we start thinking about switches -- people who can feel comfortable in the dominant role or the submissive role, such as myself.
One very common, relevant assumption is that dominant people always enjoy inflicting pain: that sadists and dominants are always the same group. They're not! Sometimes people are into sadism, or into dominance, or maybe they're into a lot of sadism but a little dominance, or whatever. The same thing goes for submission: sometimes people are submissive and like taking pain, but sometimes people are submissive without being masochistic, or maybe they're into a little bit of submission and a lot of masochism, or whatever.
Or maybe they're masochists who like ordering their partners to hurt them. I once threw a memorable party at which my then-boyfriend, a mostly-submissive gentleman, arranged for a bunch of our friends to grab me and hold me down while he ate cake off my body. As he did this, I clearly recall shouting at him: "You better hurt me, or I'm going to safeword on your ass." So he hurt me! It was great.
Because "submissive" and "masochist" aren't always the same thing -- and "dominant" and "sadist" aren't always the same thing -- the BDSM community uses the terms "bottom" and "top." A "bottom" is a blanket term for a submissive and/or a masochist -- the receiving partner. A "top" is a blanket term for a dominant and/or a sadist -- the partner who is providing sensation. The point is to have words that indicate who is giving and who is receiving, without making claims about each partner's preferences. (These words can also be used as verbs. For example, if 1 am "topping," then I am in the dominant and/or sadistic position.)
And yet! Even though we have these handy terms "top" and "bottom," which are specifically designed to help us avoid making assumptions, people end up making assumptions. There are two common BDSM community phrases that are often deployed
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