entitled to any kind of sex from a partner -- ever. If your partner loves you but doesn't want to have sex with you? That's a respectable choice. If you're really turned on, but your partner can't stand the idea of having sex right now? That's a respectable choice. Those two are easy, I think, but how about these?
+ If your partner used to do something with you a lot, but doesn't want to do it anymore? That's a respectable choice.
+ If you are married to your partner, but ze doesn't want to have sex? That's a respectable choice.
+ If your partner performed a sexual act with another partner but would prefer not to do it with you? That's a respectable choice.
+ If you know your partner likes a certain kind of sex, but they don't want to do it right now? That's a respectable choice.
+ If you think a certain act is "mild" and "taken for granted," like kissing or tickling, but your partner doesn't want to do it? That's a respectable choice.
By the way, if you (like I once did) feel as though your partner is entitled to sex of any kind, I encourage you to re-examine that feeling. Ditto if you've got a little voice in your head telling you that you "ought to" be up for sex all the time just because you don't get it very often... or that you "ought to” be up for sex if you've done it with your partner before... or whatever. The other best thing that ever happened to my sex life was when I finally, finally, finally internalized the idea that my partners don't ever "deserve" sex for any reason -- that there's no reason I ever "should" be having sex -- and that the only reason I should ever, ever, ever do anything sexual is because I legitimately want to.
Of course, if you truly believe that you need a certain kind of sexuality in your life, then you're absolutely entitled to ask your partner to consider it -- and you're entitled to leave the relationship if ze isn't up for it. But this doesn't mean that you "deserve" to do that act with that person, or that your partner "owes" you a certain act.
And hey, if your partner isn't down with one specific sexual act, then that means you've got the chance to explore all kinds of other sexuality. Another other best thing that ever happened to my sexuality? Quite possibly, it's my current boyfriend -- whose religious adherence has drastically limited our physical sexual options.
Thomas MacAulay Millar:
We're each entitled to our own identity, but not to our own partner. Our partners are people, with thoughts and desires and limits of their own, and they don't have to do what we want them to do. This goes for tops, too! Tops have limits! Because of my blogging covenant with my spouse (what I do as a bottom is personal to me and I decide how much I reveal; what she does as a bottom is personal to her and she prefers that those stories not be blogfodder) I don't have any really good stories to share about hitting my limits as a top. But they exist. Tops are not required to be into everything a bottom is into, and they damned sure are under no obligation to do things that make them uncomfortable just because the bottom wants it -- whether the reason for the discomfort is risk tolerance, ideology, squeamishness or anything else. Tops can say, "no, I won't suspend you from
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