The post about safewords caught the attention of Thomas MacAulay Millar, a feminist blogger and S&Mer who is older and more established in the blogosphere than I. Thomas asked if he could annotate the article, then post it on the blog where he usually writes -- the blog for the excellent sex-positive anti-rape anthology Yes Means Yes. Of course I agreed. The final product looks something like a conversation between me and Thomas, although I wrote the post before he added his input.
KOK ok
The Annotated Safeword Thomas MacAulay Millar:
Clarisse Thorn's post about safewords is so good I'm just going to repost the whole thing and annotate it.
Clarisse Thorn:
Everyone knows about BDSM safewords... or at least, everyone thinks they know about safewords. But one of the initial moments that really impressed me about my current boyfriend was when I asked him, many moons ago, if he knew what a safeword is. He paused, then answered, "I think I'm familiar with the idea, but I probably don't know much more than a stereotype, so I'd like to hear you define it." Humility and open-minded curiosity are so incredibly hot!
Righto. Hot boyfriend aside, I'm here to explain safewords and check-ins, and how those concepts can exemplify excellent sexual communication for everyone -- not just S&Mers -- ina world that doesn't do a good job teaching anyone how to communicate sexually.
When two (or more) people have a BDSM encounter together, generally they set a safeword -- a word that anyone can say at any time to stop the action. (Sometimes people don't use safewords. This is their choice and I totally respect it. I would not recommend going without safewords for anyone who doesn't know their partner extremely well, and I would be seriously sketched out by anyone who pressured a partner to go without safewords.)
Thomas MacAulay Millar:
A word on origin: safewords are only strictly necessary in one circumstance -- where the participants want words like "no" and "stop" not to have their ordinary meaning. One can do BDSM for a lifetime without a safeword, if words have their ordinary meanings. As former porn star and kinkster Ona Zee once put it (I'm quoting an interview from memory here), "our safeword is 'that hurts."" Folks can even do heavy play depending on how they react to things, without a safeword, simply saying "stop" or "too much” or "fuck, I can't handle any more of that!" when the play gets too intense. Any BDSMer who would tell you URDOINITRONG if you use ordinary words to communicate in scene is not someone you need to listen to.
Safewords are essential for roleplay where "no, please don't, I'll do anything!" should not stop the action. It's also essential for any bottom who will involuntarily shout "No! Stop!" while actually wanting more. Other than that, it's an optional tool -- a very, very useful
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